Wishin' and Hopin'

"It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself." - Betty Friedan 

That quote doesn't necessarily relate directly to my post today, it's just something I read for my Women and Gender Studies class that stuck in my craw. That statement does speak to my decision to pursue writing, because I feel that, more than ever, I am on the path to becoming my "complete self"... whatever that means. Can anyone ever be truly complete? (Oh no, the dreaded Carrie Bradshaw rumination has already reared its head!) Life is more complex than that, right? But I guess it's a nice idea, this completion.  

Today's piece deals with the topic of children, which I suppose is inextricable from the issue of Women's Studies. I grew up in a time where I truly never felt pressure to become a wife and mother. I know this makes me one of the lucky ones. For as long as I can remember, I knew I had options, and frankly there was a time when I was quite certain I'd remain childless and single for all my days. That idea never scared me in the least. I've always known that I can survive and thrive on my own. But then along came Johnny, a person too good to let pass by, and it felt nice to choose to be with someone, not because I couldn't go it alone, but because I knew he would enhance the journey.

Johnny and I discussed and decided early in our relationship that children were in our future. I was 25 when we first got together, so there was no rush. But now... now there is this maternal instinct that has not only emerged within the last few years, but which is RAGING at this point. Johnny is experiencing the same thing. So we face the dilemma: dive-in right now, go for it, throw caution to the wind and have some little ones? Or wait, plan, save, calculate. We've begrudgingly chosen the latter for now, but it's tough.

I know we are not alone in this. So many people are waiting until later in life to have children. It is a privilege, in many ways, to be able to make this choice - a privilege aided by advances in medicine and technology, as well as shifting views on parenthood. Rather than explore this topic with a well-researched article, I decided to get a bit creative and establish a direct line to our hypothetical heirs. Here is the letter I wrote them. Who knows, maybe I'll read it to them one day?

Baby Johnny

Baby Hally

Dear Future Children –

Hi there! How are… things... going? I mean, you’re future children, so I guess not too much has happened for you yet. I imagine that right now, you’re just little wisps of vapor floating in the ether, looking around curiously with your ghostly eyes and getting anxious to join us down here on Earth. Or, maybe you’ve already been born and you’re in foster care now? Oh, I hope you get placed with some good people who pay attention to you and keep you warm and full and dry. I worry about you, you know. I wish SO MUCH that we could be together now, or in nine months, whatever the case may be. But Dad and I are just not ready for you yet. I hope you understand. I’m 32 now, and Dad is 33, and I’m sure to your baby ears, that sounds ancient. But there are so many things we still need to accomplish before we shift our attention to you.

For example, we need to decide what city we want to settle in. I’m not as keen on New York as your Dad is, you see, and we’ve agreed that we will likely move within the next year or so. It’s our goal to find our city by then, the place that is as close to meeting all our must-haves as possible. It’s important that this city meets both our needs because once we move there? We’ll buy a house! It will have extra bedrooms for you babies, and a backyard where you can run and stretch your little limbs. It will have a nice, big kitchen (no more Manhattan “kitchenettes”!) where we can cook healthy meals and eat family dinners together. It may even need to have a home office, because I want to finish school before you get here so that I can try to transition to a career in writing. I want to feel fulfilled creatively and professionally to set a good example for you. And if I work from home we can spend a lot of time together and won’t have to pay for childcare. Childcare is expensive, you know. Really, really expensive. As far as your Dad’s career needs go, we’ll need to be in a city with some sort of art scene, a community that he can join, and space for him to have a studio and maybe even open a gallery. Oh, and we’ll also need to buy a car, since we don’t have one of those now, and our future city will likely not have the same public transportation options as New York. Plus, it seems really hard to transport kids around on buses and things. I see people carrying strollers down the subway stairs sometimes and it’s just like oof, no thanks.

So: city, house, careers, car. Wait! I almost forgot about money. Yeah, we want to have a lot of money saved up before you get here. College funds established, emergency savings, stuff like that. Our friends all tell us how much babies cost these days, so we want to be ready for that, guys! Planning ahead is so important. We’re planning for retirement and all that good stuff, too, so it can be tough to save up. It might take awhile. And your Dad’s health is a consideration. He may have to get a kidney transplant before you get here, and if that’s the case, we’ll want to leave some time for him to recover and get healthy and strong again. I know it sounds scary, but don’t worry, we can deal with it, kiddos. He’s the most solid individual I've ever met and he's never let his health hold him back before, so we’re just going to roll with the punches on that one.  

Honestly, we still have to make some tough decisions about how we will all come to be together anyway. We’ll be adopting some of you for sure, but Johnny keeps thinking that maybe we should go the old-fashioned route and get pregnant at least once, too. I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that yes, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be pregnant and give birth. But there are so many kids already! And so many of you need homes and people to love you, because you weren’t automatically granted that when you came into the world, and that’s just not fair, right? So, we have to decide about all that.

But, man, it gets so tough some times, all this waiting. We went and visited your cousin, William, all the way in Dublin, Ireland two weeks ago! He’s only three months old, which I know is hard for you to imagine because he’ll be so much older when you meet him. But he’s so tiny and sweet. He’s at the age now where he’s beginning to smile and he’s so observant and wide-eyed. Dad and I kept fighting over who got to hold him, because it seemed like there was never enough time. I can just tell that he’s going to be a great cousin, and he’ll play fairly with you even though you’re younger and he won’t make fun of you too much. But after meeting him, Dad and I came home and were like, “We really want to have babies right now!” It made me wonder if we’re doing you a disservice by waiting to have you. For example, I want so badly for you to have long and meaningful relationships with all your grandparents, because holy crap guys, you have really lucked out as far as grandparents go. You’ll have two grandmas and two grandpas that are just all-around the best people. Like gold medal, first place best people. You’ll see for yourselves. And I hope Dad and I can stay active and keep up with you guys long into your adult years. I want us to be around to meet our grandchildren, because I have this feeling that we’d make pretty great grandparents, too. And I know my chances of even getting pregnant, if we decide to go that route, get slimmer with each passing year. It’s so much pressure, little dudes! It doesn’t seem like it should be so complicated, but it is.

I guess we just all have to be patient. I have faith that this will happen for us someday soon. Until then, Dad and I will continue falling all over ourselves every time we see a cute kid walking down the sidewalk. Just know that you each already have special little spaces in our hearts reserved only for you.

Love,

Mom