Three Bucks, Two Bags, One Me

It really is a coincidence that I'm launching my new blog, Bootstrapping It, on the same day that Season 6 of Mad Men premieres. But I guess in some ways, it's serendipitous. Mad Men, afterall, is about an industry that thrives on blind ambition, and the word "bootstrapping" implies ambition in a way. To pull one's self up by the straps of their boots... now that's something I relate to.  

A few years ago, I moved to New York City with my husband, Johnny. He had been accepted to grad school and we were ready for a change of scenery. It was a nerve-wracking time. When people say that this city will chew you up and spit you out if you're not ready for it, they aren't lying. But we put on brave faces and did our best to blend in. We've gotten by pretty well so far, and in the meantime, something unexpected happened. My passion for the written word was reignited, a fire I thought was extinguished long ago. 

I come from a long line of book junkies and reading has always been a necessity to me. Writing is something I've done since I was an angsty pre-teen, scrawling away about unrequited love in my journals. Becoming a professional writer was always the dream, but like many, I resisted the pursuit of my creative endeavors in favor of a more realistic career path. Since my early 20s, I've worked various office jobs and enjoyed the freedom that a steady paycheck brings. But this nagging little desire never really went away, I just became an expert at ignoring it.

For so long, I've witnessed my counterparts express themselves creatively. I've watched them perform in bands, checked out their art shows, or sat in the front row on opening night of their new play. As much as I've draw inspiration from these experiences, there has been a slight tinge of jealousy all along. I wanted to be the one creating, not just appreciating. I held myself back because I lacked the confidence that I had anything to say, or that anyone would want to listen. 

I hate to sound too cheesy, but New York changed all that. It's pretty difficult to be around so many people doggedly pursuing their goals and not be a bit caught up in the excitement.  Determined not to see my “dream deferred… dry up like a raisin in the sun,” I finally began taking some concrete steps. I wrote a cooking blog. I studied at the Gothamist Writers' Workshop and then enrolled at Hunter College where I now take classes after work four days a week. I’m writing and re-writing personal essays and developing my craft. I’m reading just about everything I can get my hands on and reveling in my adoration of good writing. We even have a new ritual around our household each night in which I read out-loud to Johnny the best thing I read or wrote that day.

In doing these things, I’ve come to feel very differently about my life choices until now. I’m loosening my grip on regrets and understanding that not everyone has the same path. I look back at the time that I wasn’t in school or pursuing writing and now know that I was gaining the experiences that inform much of my art today. I found true love. I made and lost many friends. I drank whiskey in dive bars and rubbed elbows with casts of colorful characters. I witnessed countless heartbreakingly beautiful desert sunsets. I watched the seasons change in Central Park and became acquainted with two soggy sisters named Irene and Sandy. Had I pursued my writing at an earlier age, I’m not sure I would have had much to say, but I’m confident that I now have a tiny modicum of maturity and wisdom behind my words.

Now I’m Bootstrapping It, pulling myself up and trying to get things going as best I can. I guess this will be a space for me to document the process and share pieces I’ve been fine-tuning (and hopefully I’ll get some feedback from all of you). But honestly? I don’t want to set limits or have any rules for what may pop-up on this site. I just want to share my “human noise,” as Raymond Chandler would say. I'm ready to add my voice to the cacophony, whatever the result.

Oh, and to find out where I got the name of this blog post, check out the intro to this 30 Rock episode which depicts my experience of New York better than I ever could. Thanks for reading!